PINK. I got my postcard in the mail yesterday for Dragon*Con 2012 and.. it was -pink-. Like, highlighter pink. Pardon me while I hurl a moment.

*leaves and comes back*

Now then, where was I? Oh yes. Aside from the -unfortunate- color, it’s a reminder of things to come. It’s not until September but I’m already looking forward to it. For those that don’t know, Dragon*Con is the largest multi-media, popular culture convention focusing on science fiction and fantasy, gaming, comics, literature, art, music and film.

It’s held annually in Atlanta GA around Labor Day weekend. Quite frankly, it’s 100% pure awesome. It’s the one time of the year where I can meet other writers and editors in person. It’s the one time of year I can attend live performances of some of my favorite bands. It’s the one time of year where I can be me in all my geeky glory. I can’t wait!

*happy sigh*

Okay, enough about my favorite geek fest. I think I owe a status update if I’m not mistaken. So what have I been up to since I stepped away from ROW80? I’d love to give you an answer that would blow your mind but I can’t do that and still tell the truth. The fact is, I’ve been catching my breath. Sort of.

The first week I didn’t write or do anything with writing. It felt good to breathe but I was suffering withdrawals. I was getting cranky and my characters wouldn’t shut up. I tried reading fiction (*gasp*, I know right?) but that only made things worse when I started pointing out things to myself like the hook and the inciting incident. I was even, still am, looking at how the author was using description and dialog better than I have in the past. That’s not to say I haven’t been enjoying the book (because I have!) but my craft was calling me to return.

The second week I caved. I started listening to my characters and began to take a hard look at what I had previously come up with for the story. It was so forced it wasn’t funny. So with great trepidation, I tossed the whole lot into the garbage bin and vowed to start everything over from scratch. I’ve redone the character profiles. I’ve redone the setting profiles. I’ve even created a physical story board in my office to start plotting on.

The third week is in progress and I have to say.. I’m freaking excited about this project. I mean really excited. My inner writer is jumping up and down, like a squealing 8 year old on their bed, and screaming “Can we get started yet? Please? With cherries on top?” But my inner editor is playing the adult here and making sure that I don’t start until the story is completed on the board.

Like I said on Twitter this morning, brainstorming/plotting is a lot like writing. If you don’t put your butt in the chair, it WON’T get done. I can’t get that freaking kid to sit his ass down and plot. I’m aiming to have the board mostly completed by this time next week. I’m not sure if I can manage to meet that little “deadline” but I’m going to try. The sooner it’s done, the sooner that little kid can get cracking (and stop jumping on the freaking bed)!

The past couple of weeks have been more stressful than I’d like to admit but I won’t go into the reasons here. The key take away is that we all have to deal with our emotions in some form or fashion. If we don’t, we’ll explode like a watermelon in a Gallagher comedy show. We’re all unique and thusly each of us have our own way of dealing with these emotions. Some play games, do exercise, read, go to the movies, etc. Myself? I have a really bad habit of eating them.

As you can imagine, over the last two weeks I’ve swallowed my emotions. As a result, I ended up gaining weight which is exactly the complete opposite of what I’ve been trying to do. Food is the worst thing to turn to, next to alcohol. You eat to feel something other than what you’re feeling. Then you eat to too much. Guilt sets in that you ate so much and then that same cycle repeats itself. Bad. Very bad.

Clearly when it comes to food, I’m an addict. I’m not proud of this. This week I’ve got my motivation back and I can clearly see how bad I was slipping. I’ve stopped the weight gain and have begun to lose weight again. Part of this is will power and motivation and the other half is learning to deal with my emotions in a non-food way. I’m a writer so I felt the best thing I could do for myself is to write them out. So far that’s been working. Working well, I might add.

When I want to eat, I’ve been begun to give myself a little quiz. Am I really hungry? Are you sure you’re not just thirsty? Are you just bored? How do you feel? If it turns out to be anything BUT really hungry, I write it out. Putting it to paper makes me face my emotions in a healthy way. And I feel better for it. The bonus to this is that afterwards, I feel actually feel happier. I’m more motivated because I’m succeeding. I also feel accomplished because I’m writing (which naturally makes me feel better afterwards). Which ironically, fuels creativity and makes me write more on the stuff I want to write on.

Some people might call this a food journal. While food is a major subject, since that’s where I struggle the most, I’m not writing down my food there and I tend to talk about more stuff than just food. Others might call this morning pages. Bleh. I write in it through out the day, not just the morning. It’s not 3 pages of stream of consciousness. Most days, it doesn’t get past 1 page. It’s not about getting stuff out of the way to move on to the rest of the day. It’s about exploring how I feel. What I’m dealing with. It lets me think it through, on paper.

The point is, don’t eat, drink, smoke (or whatever your bad habit is) your emotions. Do something productive and healthy with them. You’ll feel better for it. I know I do.

I’ve never had a problem hitting the delete key on a manuscript or balling up what I wrote just to throw it into the nearest garbage bin. That’s to say, unless it has value or purpose. I’d never do that to my poetry collection (again) or a manuscript that I’ve published (or feel could be published). I’ve known lots of people who won’t let go of anything they write. But that’s not me. It must have current value or purpose, otherwise it’s just a waste of space.

That leads me to where I’m going with this, the “blog”. The site itself has had many incarnations through the years in not only in content but backend architecture and design. In hindsight, those incarnations were the result of my changing needs and goals. In the last few years, it’s helped me type and assemble my poetry collection, track my progress on getting published again and kept me on path to reach my goals. But yet again, its current purpose has run its course.

Or has it? I’m not a professional career writer yet. But I want to get there. I’m not at a healthy weight yet. But I want to get there too. Like everyone, I’ve got short term goals and long term goal. But I think I’ve been approaching my site the wrong way. It’s not about individual goals or a single purpose. It’s about the journey itself and that’s what my site needs to be geared towards.

Over the next little bit, given that life seems to be stuck in “hectic mode”, I’ll slowly be making some small changes (as I can) to the site to gear it towards the journey, rather than a specific set of goals or purpose. It’s time to reduce the extras and the stress, recycle what doesn’t work and reuse what does. It’s time to firm up my resolve. It’s time to narrow my focus. It’s time to get things done, MY way. It’s time to take a journey.

It’s Sunday morning. I’m at Starbucks. The smell of coffee permeates everything in sight. The expresso maker is hissing. The coffee grinder is hard a work. I can hear the clinking of the cups and the shaking of iced drinks. There is a sense of serenity here. The world is at peace with one small exception- me. This is one place where the world waits. This is my time. I feel the overwhelming pull to write. Not out of habit but desire. It is tangible feeling that I can almost bite into like hot french bread. And yet, when I open my WIP I find I want nothing to do with it. I am restless. I would rather write or do anything else. Seriously, ANYTHING else.

A couple of weeks ago, I would have chided myself for being lazy and for procrastinating. But not today. Today, I sit back and ask myself why. The answer is quite- honest. I’m not in love with it. The story is just ok. It’s not character driven. It’s Ryan driven. I didn’t let the characters tell me their story. I created a story and put my characters in it. That is NOT how one writes a story. I’ve been trying too hard. I’ve been pushing it around like a drill sergeant on a parade field. I should have been treating it like wine. I should have uncorked the bottle and let it breathe before even tasting it. I should have poured a sample of it in my glass and swirled it around for a bit. I should have breathed in what it wanted to offer. I should have enjoyed it. Instead, I uncorked it and guzzled it from the bottle like a maniac. No wonder it tastes like crap.

This is why I think I’ve been unhappy. I’ve been forcing myself to devote time and energy into something I don’t really love. That’s enough to make anyone cranky, bitter and resentful. I chose this story because it was next in line in my idea folder to write. Not a great way to pick what’s next. But I’ve really gotten to know these characters over the last month or so. I see their potential and part of me wants to write about them. I really like them but I hate the story I’ve thrust upon them like a plague. I think I’m going to step back and let them tell me what their story is. I’m still going to outline because let’s face it, this is me we’re talking about. But I’m going to let them mark the path ahead instead of me.

I need to learn to love the process. I need to to take my time with it, deadlines and impatience be damned. I need to embrace why I’m writing. I need to understand I can’t force this. I’m uncorking the bottle to let it breathe. I can only hope 2012 is a good vintage. Time will most certainly tell. Damn, now I want some wine. Why doesn’t Starbucks serve wine too? Tea shall have to do for now.